Environment dictates all.
That has been the story since the dawn of time. Those who had the favorable environment lived and thrived while those who did not, didn’t. That just the way it goes.
And that has been the story with us, old friend.
Our environments have dictated who we have become.
I have grown up in a very white, very businesslike, very professional environment over the last 3 years.
And you have grown in an environment which is, as far as I can tell, much like middle school was.
It is loud. Very diverse. Multicultural. And crazy. Your school would be the party school if our schools operated in the same district. Mine would be the one with its head down, working hard, trying to be successful.
At my school, people don’t just walk up and talk to the principal. People don’t go all over for lunch. People don’t hang out in the halls. People don’t have phones in class. People don’t talk back to the teachers.
We are very professional, very sophisticated, and very upbeat.
But then again I am in all honors classes.
You school appears to me to be the exact opposite.
So, as has been the case since the dawn of time, environment has dictated the development.
I have grown to be very businesslike, very professional, and very future minded. I mean for fucks sake I spent my afternoon picking kids up from school and researching colleges and scholarships so that I can go to college. That’s just how I have grown up.
And to be honest, I have never been happier with my life, or my surroundings, or anything ever.
I am on the track to being Golf team captain next year. I am going to run for FBLA President next month with a good likelihood of winning. That’s just the trajectory I have set myself on.
I am responsible, busy, and happy.
And then there’s you.
We had the conversation the other day about the future. You said you didn’t need your mother anymore, and we talked about how our parents had become somewhat superfluous.
However I believe we meant that in two different ways.
You then told me that you did not need your mother, however you liked that someone took care of you.
I meant it in that I only needed my parents for the money. I take care of myself 95% of the time anymore. The most important thing my parents do for me anymore, (besides the money) is the occasional emotional support when I have a mental breakdown and the preparation of food when I am too busy to make something.
And thats what made me sad.
Even you, the eternal optimist, cannot deny that we’ve grown apart. I’ve noticed it for a while now, but I have been denying it. But its true. Every time we get together I hope we will be crazy again. But I think that the time of our compatibility has changed.
We had Elitches, and I adored that day. But we have not laughed, or been crazy, or had a time like that since. And it makes me sad.
I wish we could go on forever, being compatible. I wish that I could spend the rest of my life with you by my side, making me double over in laughter. But that hasn’t happened in months. And that’s just the fact of the matter.
And that is why I lashed out.
I was lashing out about your future. I lashed out because in my eyes, your future is sad and shaky.
However in the process I said something that I meant as nothing and you took offense.
And I feel like your parent, worrying over you, worrying that you will make the right choices and have a sturdy future.
So I lashed out, telling you of everything that you have told me about that makes me worry for you. Because that’s what I am, whether I try to be or not. A realist and a worrier.
I worry that you won’t be able to find a job to support you.
I worry that your relationships will fall through because you told me that you couldn’t accept that title of yourself.
I worry that you will go nowhere and live the rest of your life unhappy.
Because I see now more than ever that our growing apart is inevitable. I have always known that it was on the horizon, but these last few months have shown me that its already happening.
There was a time when I needed to talk to you everyday. Now I can go days at a time, talking to you or not. It just how the road has brought us. When we do talk, its usually about nothing important, mostly consisting of “yay”s and “hahahaha”s.
And I love that. But I realize that those yays and hahahahs will only take us so far into the future.
This future has been created by our environments. Yours does not require the attention to detail, and the exactness, and the formalities that mine does. Thats why it pissed me off when you said “exspecially” instead of “especially” at the mall the other day. Its why I was sad that on the drive home I had nothing to talk to you about.
Our environments have dictated the creation of two totally different people who are not compatible as they once were when the environment was creating two people much the same.
It is not an excuse, it is merely an explanation.
I know that we will probably never be compatible as we once were, and I have come to terms with that. But if you’re willing, I would like to put this whole ordeal behind us, and start again.
I still want Victoria to give you a hard time. I still want to be able to tell you when my idiot friend has gone and made my life more difficult. I still would like that companionship we had.
Because in the end, you are a part of me that I will never let go of.