I am tired.
During the good times, I often ask myself “why?”
Why do I even use the internet?
Why do I have a tumblr account?
Why do I love tv shows like I do?
Why do i belong to so many randoms?
Then the other questions come along.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to be social like everyone else, in person?
Doesn’t it make me strange that I prefer the sociality of online?
Am I missing out on in-person interactions by being online?
Yes. And that is why I need it. Because when the bad times come along, I realize why I have the internet.
During good times, when my friends are boundless and I am happy, this internet thing seems kind of silly. It seems like something superfluous and something I am doing based on some need I feel I have to fulfill just to keep with the status quo.
Today I got stood-up for the first time in a while. I had closed myself off from social interactions for a while and for a reason. They fall through all too often.
Now when things fall through because you had an event you had forgotten about, or because something unexpected came up that you hadn’t accounted for, then thats fine.
I am not okay when my plans fall through because another person, either my friend or a third party, has intentionally changed the plans so that they could possibly include me, but that they don’t necessarily have to. I’m tired of being an after thought. I’m tired of the only people including me as a primary person are the people who are genetically related to me. I am tired of being looked at as different. I am tired of being singled out because I come from somewhere else. I am tired of being sympathetic to those who fake smile at me one minute and then talk about me behind my back the next minute. I am tired of being a fifth wheel in a group that is already falling apart. I am tired of not being anyone’s number one. I am tired of giving and giving and giving and never getting to take. I am tired of all the shit that I go through for those who refuse to go through shit for me. I am tired of the two-facedness of those who surround me. I am tired of the fake laughs, the unkind smiles, and looks of pity and confusion. I am tired of being left on the outside of everything. I am tired of people immediately changing and acting different when I’m around. I am tired of everyone excluding me from my own world. I am tired.
I thought I had moved past this world of unkindness and impurity. I thought I had left this idiocy behind when I dropped those friends. But the problem lies not with my friends. It lies with those who choose to hang around my friends, with those who believe they will be welcomed with red carpets and adoring fans round every corner they turn. I am tired of those who believe the ground beneath their feet is sacred. And I am tired of those who believe they can manipulate those around them with a petty smile and a weak glance.
I am tired.
I had removed myself from this world by force. Avoiding those I know to be manipulative, and choosing to be around those who are not.
I am tired
And yet here I am again. Facing the 6 headed dragon, with the first head, who tells me I am special, I can be included, and I am important. The next minute the second head of that dragon has dragged me from my standing place by my foot. He passes me to the third head who whispers sweet nothings to me as I flail helplessly. He tosses me to the fourth head who begins to shake me while telling me that I have a place in this world. As i fly through the air on the way to the fifth head I begin to feel the pain of my surroundings. As the fifth head catches me I realize that I am not where I thought I was. The fifth head bites hard into my leg and the pain hits me full-force. The fifth head drops me hard on the ground. As the sixth head looks down on me he tells me that I can come along with them. I can join this dragon on his trip around. I can come back with the first head and we can be friends.
As the first head comes back to pick me up again, I look at the journey I’ve just been on. I see how terrible it was. I see how many times I have been held captive by that dragon.
I am tired.
I make the decision, that after countless times of joining that dragon, it is enough. I choose to stay home. I choose to not go out. I choose to be on the internet, where if I am rejected it is because I do not share a view point, and not because of who I am. It is a place where I can actually be myself and I won’t be made fun of or assaulted or attacked. It is the only place where my true self can show.
I am tired.
And suddenly I have my answers. I have the answers to the questions I had no answers for. I come here because this is where I belong. Amongst those just like me, whom the six headed dragon has attacked time and time again. And I know I belong. Because here, I am tired, just like everyone else.